Valentine's Day

I hate Valentine's Day. It's the one day of the year that makes single people feel lonely and everyone else feel broke.

I've actually been dumped on Valentine's Day. A girl I was seeing waxed her bikini area (her "Queefer Southerland", as I called it) for me as a Valentine's Day present. When she showed it to me, she said, "Surprise!"

"Oh! Wow! It's what I've always wanted," I said. "What is it?"

"It's called the Brazilian," she said.

"Are you sure it's not called the German? It kinda looks like Hitler eating a Bologna sandwich."

It sounded funny at the time.

The point is, she could have just gotten me a funny card and I wouldn't have spent the day alone watching QVC and Full House re-runs. People go overboard doing things they wouldn't normally do to impress their Valentine.

A friend of mine spent $300 on candy and flowers for a girl he barely liked. $300! If you're going to spend that much money on food and a dead plant, you should buy some Cheetos and a sack of weed. Then, if you end up alone for any reason, Full House will still be funny.

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