The NASCAR season is kicking off and I have to admit, I'm more excited than KD Lange at an all-you-can-eat taco bar.

I've never really watched NASCAR but I figure it can't be any worse than watching Tyra Banks week after week on American Idol. Oh, wait. That was Ruben Studdard.

NASCAR is proof that if you mix enough rednecks and alcohol, a race will break out. Where else can you see 100,000 half-naked, drunken rednecks in one place? Besides Walmart on payday? There's mullets and flannel and back hair as far as the eye can see. And that's just the women.

The best part of NASCAR are the wrecks. There are more leaks and accidents than the waiting room at a Planned Parenthood. People go to the races just to see the accidents. That's like going to a K-Mart in Independence just to see the kids get spanked.

There's a guy on each team called "The Spotter". He's the guy that gives the driver directions. How hard is that job? "Turn left."

I noticed how young all the drivers were. What happens to all the old guys? I think they should have a NASCAR Seniors Tour. It would be twleve hours of big Cadillac's going the wrong way with their blinker on. There would be sponsors targeting old men, like Metamucil, Depends, and Dick Clark's American Band Stand in Overland Park.

One more final note: Covering your crappy car with NASCAR stickers does not make you a NASCAR driver. Just like wearing a diaper does not make you a kid again, Grandpa. Slapping a Dale Earnhardt sticker on your pink Geo Metro does not make you Dale Earnhardt. It makes you Jeff Gordon.

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