Thursday, March 25, 2010

Too Old To Breastfeed

I was recently called a "misogynist" by a group of breastfeeding advocates ("lactivists") because of some comments I made about a lady who breastfed her son until he was almost 6 years old. Now, I would have been upset, but first I had to look up 'misogynist'.

I'm not against breastfeeding. In fact, I think breasts are the greatest drink dispenser since the beer helmet. But in my opinion, six seems a little old to still be breastfeeding. He almost has his wisdom teeth, for chrissake. I figured maybe the lady didn't know when to stop? Therefore, I've compiled a list of Top Ten Signs He's Too Old To Breastfeed. This should smooth things over.



Top Ten Signs He's Too Old To Breastfeed
10. His chin gives you whisker burn
9. He refers to lunch as 'the nooner'
8. He winks and says, "Wanna play Tune in Tokyo?"
7. Your nipple smells like Skoal
6. He refers to the Victoria Secret catalog as 'The Kids Menu'
5. He rolls over and grunts, "Got a light?"
4. You've pumped into his Thermos
3. He nicknamed your girlfriends, "Potluck"
2. He's mixing breast milk with vodka to make "White Trash Russians"
1. You pat his back and he burps the alphabet